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He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

What it feels like to go through the thousand shades of gray that get labeled bipolar, mania, depression, schizophrenia, borderline, panic, anxiety, psychosis, attention deficit, obsessive-compulsive, self-injury and ... what's it like in your world? How do you relate to your mind and your diagnosis? What language makes sense to you?

Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby oasis » May 22, 2018 10:46 pm

I did all that self-work. All the optimism that came with the hope of a solution.
Was met by him in a bad mood. Because he forgot his mj and tobacco for the second day in a row.
He cannot blame me for that.
I feel like I mortally irritate him if I speak.

Guess it is just the story of dating a man with advanced rage mental health problems.
I knew better. I did it anyways.
After we got together, last spring, I learned that he lifted his sister strangling her a week before her wedding, and held his now ex under water at a public event to "scare" her. people tried to pull him away. he is strong.

the anger from him head-butting me, or dragging me by the hair all those times, or paralyzing me for a while by that back punch, or the shame from the face and arm bruises my acupuncturists both saw, or having to lie when coworkers asked what happened to my face, i think i may hate him forever. he showed me his worst side; he should go get a fresh start and clean slate not someone used up like me.

i wish i had no hate in my heart for him.
i wish i gave him at least a little seratonin.
he just treats me like I annoy him.

I do the work I need to on myself, at least a little. he refuses to think he has any responsibility.
and that is why he has nothing. i don't want to hate him. i want to erase it all and start clean.
any time he is irritated just a little, i just shake. i felt it four hours today. like one wrong move, and it's punch time.

i remember the last time four weeks passed without him hitting me. thought the hump was over.
it has been almost three weeks. except him shaking me like he could do more.

i also remember him promising to never do it again.
and him taking me out for dinner. he then got mad about it after.
he doesn't take me out anywhere, as he has no money.

and as far as the cancer thing goes. he does not give a shit. he asks no questions about it. it is business as usual. all him. he will answer me if i ask him questions, like some fake guru. he threw it back in my face, that i had asked him to help with making appointments and comparing insurance rates and everything. like even that is a scheme. whenever i ask for help, it is a scheme. this is the same guy that goes out with me to work in his yard, then sneaks off after a few minutes pretending to work somewhere else but is instead sitting inside his house for hours as i work. or the guy who eats all my food, like right away if it is good, and never says thank you and refuses to get food stamps much less a job. he is a dropout who will not work for less than $25/hour, but only outdoors, and basically only doing landscaping work. but he will not ask people to give him this work. he would rather just live off of a stream of women.

why am i with him? he was nice once. he gives cuddles when he is stoned. he is ... i don't know, someone i believed in once.

i guess he has to be drugged to deal with me. terrible, terrible me.
There but for ... go I
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby oasis » Jun 08, 2018 2:01 am

I just feel all on my own.
Make breakfast, clean kitchen, go to work, come back. It is "what's for dinner".
I get the mojo to ask if he will cook, and he agrees. So I go and clean the kitchen.

I hate myself.
I hate how fickle I am.
I hate how whiny and needy I was made to be.

I hate how shitty my parents truly were.
I hate how I can't tell my mom about the precancer stuff, because last week she said I was "ruined".
I hate how my dad is rich but will die before giving me $20 (unlike my brother and his girlfriends).

It all feels like it is on my shoulders.
This forum is dead.
I figured out how to not get beaten - don't get jealous, and pay for his pot/tobacco.

I woke up feeling terrible this morning.
I just want someone in my corner.
He doesn't understand me. He is out of pot so he called me a bitch today.
There but for ... go I
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby NickF » Jun 08, 2018 8:00 am

For whatever it's worth, I'm rooting for you.
"I was terrified when my doctor told me I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new zoloft."
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby oasis » Jun 09, 2018 7:01 am

He bit my neck and ears really hard during sex today.
I told him after it hurt.
So he had more sex with me, an hour later, and bit the other side of my neck.
It made me cry.

I went and hid in another room, and curled up.
He followed me, I guess to make sure I was alright.
He turns the lights on a few hours later, because I fell asleep.

He cooked me dinner.
He then wanted more sex. I started crying.
He got upset. He went to sleep in the living room. I tried to talk with him.
I explained that this was a hard week for me, and that he used to not hurt me.
He said I was harassing me, and gave me a clue that he would beat me if I spoke more.

Now I cannot sleep.
His crackhead friends are trying to give him drugs.
Guess the thought of getting his drugs made him more aroused than usual.
I like to have sex, but doing it twice after he bites my neck hard makes me feel ... well ... yeah I cannot sleep now.

No matter what I do, he will still hurt me.
He said he only bit me during sex, hard, if I was resisting. When he starts to bite me, I try to kiss him and say soft things to get him to stop. It really hurts, for someone to bite your ear.

He used to not do this.
I am plagued with feelings of inadequacy.

It's not fair. He gets to sleep sound and I get to stay up typing into some imaginary help hole.
I just wish my health and my body did not get punished.

For what, am I such a terrible person? He said he had bit me several hours ago, so I could not talk about it.
I had not been able or brave enough to talk about it, until he wante sex again.
I guess he just associates me with being a whiny bitch.

I don't know what to do.
I bought him organic tobacco today. And a bunch of weed before. And ice cream and salmon today.
He is sleeping in my nice bed, while I type out on the couch terrified.
My head can't take more hittings.

The last time he used crack, he banged the back of my head against the ground when he was coming down.
And head butted me. That was on 2/16/18 or so. He said he did it because I told him I was scared to sleep at his house, because he had hurt me before.

Literally the only tool I have right now is to type. Or to wake him up for support. That support, of course, would necessarily involve more head injuries. I feel I have like at least 4 permanent bumps now. He would say that I am being a bitch. And harassing him. Because I just want love.

Today was supposed to be a really good day. After a hard week, I got some really good news. I didn't need him to bite me so many times, and say I was harassing him the first time I tried to speak about it. It feels so fucking rapey. And traumatic. And he gets to sleep away, sound asleep, while I get to deal with the trust betrayed with letting someone into my body after they hurt me once, only to hurt me again. He doesn't care. I am not worth being cared for. My mother, and father, and pond scum people I met before him, they all have shown me that I am not worth anything.

I really do not understand why I live. Parents are fucking evil. Mom told me last week that I am ruined. Dad is rich and cruel. They hate each other, and never stayed together. I have no floor, no ceiling, and the hope that my boyfriend is okay was ruined again today, when he turned on the lights after I was curled up in a ball trying to escape in my mind from the pain of being pinned down and bitten over and over again. No matter what I did, he kept biting. Unless I stand up for myself. Then he gets mad. All I tried to do to coax him out of hurting me during sex, it was all useless.

And now I get to stay alone all night. While he sleeps perfectly. I get the real solitude.

Don't know how to breach the conversation that if he gets the crack, I guess I need him to go.
That is what this was all about. I know his pattern. The last two times he beat or shook me, he looked at his ex's facebook profile a dozen times. And today, it is his druggie friends. I can't solve anything. Fuck a bullet to the head would be nice. My head throbs just thinking about him hitting me again.

wish me luck. hope i am not an idiot and wake him up for emotional support, trauma healing. I am a fucking idiot if I think someone who beats me on bad days and bites my neck hard on good ones will give a fucking shit about a loser ugly like me.
There but for ... go I
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby oasis » Jun 10, 2018 2:07 am

he bit me again
I asked him not to
so he did it again
I started to cry so he got upset and left the room.

It's like he can't stand to see me cry.
But he needs to hurt me.

Invalidate me at every cost.
He started biting me when he kept asking me to "manage his harem". Like a half dozen times.

I guess it will be over soon, if he makes his choice.
It hurts to let go of a dream.

I did so much to help make it work.
He just says I want drama, and look for things to be upset about.
I guess these posts will be the only thing I have left of him, in the end.

Both sides of my neck hurt, from the front to back, where he bit me.
He indicates that it is not real pain, because there is not a mark.
It's just sore, where my lymph nodes are on my neck.

Today he also told me I was a rat, which he does daily.
He also said that he wouldn't sit on the couch with me because I made it smell "rancid"
He also said that the back of my neck smells really bad, and has for a week.
Guess it is the death in me, the stress, the alone.
There but for ... go I
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby oasis » Jun 12, 2018 4:47 am

So today I wanted to celebrate our one year anniversary.
He drove with me to run one errand, and then go out to celebrate.
He berated me from the start. For the word that I used to celebrate what I wanted to go eat.
For going on an errand (to get a brazilian, for him, for the anniversary).
For driving around looking for a place to eat, because the one I wanted closed.
He just complained about everything. Angry. Anything and everything I said was wrong.
So I drove home silent. I asked him to get his things, so I could drive him to his house.
He asked me what my agenda was, to go out with another guy.
He refused to leave my house.
So I left and went on an errand. He was nice when I came back.
Then I went and bought his marijuana. It was more expensive than I thought.
This is all too much. It has been one year. No birthday gift, beat up after valentine's day, no christmas gift, and now angry when all I wanted was to go out and celebrate, me paying of course. I gave it a year.
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby oasis » Jun 14, 2018 3:35 am

The mj I went out of my way to get, that I exhausted myself on Monday to locate and drive to get and purchase overpriced.
Yeah it wasn't enough.
The $50 in groceries for dinner tonight. Oysters. He sat over the sink eating most of them, and when I said something called me cranky.
He of course called me a rat today. He literally calls me a rat every day. Today it was "what a bad rat you are, leaving your cheese out".
After dinner, basically a three main course meal, and ben and jerry's, and a loving bj, he does not want to touch me. He got upset when I ended the loving bj. He didn't want me to touch him anywhere else. It was not enough. Him pushing my head down last night and me doing it on autopilot like a slave forever, that was forgotten.
Which, I guess would be easily overlooked by someone like me, if the high drama antics of monday, of him yelling at me for everything because he was out of mj. The mj came. It didn't take the ... whatever away.

How I lie to myself:
- If I by mj for him, about $50 per week, he will be better, he will be nice/
- It is my fault he has decided I am a bitch, because I now don't want him to bite me.
- All the female friends in my life, have either dumped me like a dead ghost or are so flaky its like water for friends.
- My father loves me more than he hates my mother.
- I will never get over being hit in the head so many times, I am a permanently changed baby/person (brain injuriesmakes me have infantile feelings, like putting my thumb between my fist all the time, wanting to stay in the most soft clothes like sweat pants all day, talking like a baby, saying the wrong words, crying at the first sign of frustration because the words are too scary to dare come out).
- Me offering to take him to his house on Monday, got him thinking about leaving and he is preparing.
- There is something more I can do. Laser dermabrasion for my sagged face. Meditation to reach a higher place of consciousness. Even nicer rental. Even nicer food. Lobster every night, or at least perfect home cooked meals.
- I can handle providing all of the income, doing all of the grocery shopping, paying all of the bills, doing most of the cooking (55-75%, and if he does it I force myself to assist most of the time, out of guilt for him doing this one thing), doing all of the dishes and putting them away, doing all of the sweeping, tolerating him correcting me for every missed word I now say wrong since the bad bumps on the head that pulse when I am stressed, being responsible for all of the meal planning, having the only car, paying for all of the gas, putting up with him not wanting to touch me, putting up with him biting me as hard as he wants whenever he wants, putting up with him getting upset because I am afraid to have sex, putting up with him making me feel inferior and less intelligent than anyone in the world, taking out the compost, paying for his dog's food, opening and closing the curtains in the bedroom every night, et.
- I will be okay.
- I am pretty.
-
There but for ... go I
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby oasis » Jun 16, 2018 8:21 pm

He hit me twice on the head today.
I have asked him several time to leave my house.
He says it is because I have an agenda to see other people.

He will not pay rent, get a job, help with utilities, clean anything, or cook.
He did, however, tell me first thing this morning that he was upset with me.
His excuse is that I left compost in the sink.

He does not allow me to throw out compost, in the garbage.
He only allows me to throw the compost in the backyard.
He will not take the compost to the backyard. He did this morning, but not any of the items I left in the sink.
I left compost items in the sink because I was washing off the times that would go down the garbage disposal.
He was very upset I left compost items in the sink.

So he hit me twice. In the head. They were between smacks and taps. Just to let me know he could do more.
My brain is so damaged I say "ten" instead of "two". I say "apple" and mean "banana".
He lets me know any time I say the wrong word. Like it's not him who caused that fracture.

His dog went urine in the garage today.
He did not clean it up for several hours.
I asked him to clean it up. He splashed some water on it.

I griped about it, in a calm tone that was very light, and he said I could not complain about it.
He said my house was not a good place to be living in.
I offered to take him home, and he accused me of having an alterior agenda.

If he leaves, I will be sad, and I will not have sex with anyone.
I just want to have a home where I feel loved and wanted.
Didn't get that, so it's not fucking shocking there is a HOMELESS UNEMPLOYED VIOLENT YELLING MAN WHO WILL NOT LEAVE MY HOUSE, and gets mad at me for asking.

I love him so much.
I loved him for a very long time.
It sucks to lose the dream. Of happily ever after. Of after all the hurt, to finally meet someone to just be still with.
The light for me is gone from his eyes.
He hardly wants me to touch him, if it is not his penis.
But he will not leave.
He is almost out of pot again. He went through it so fast. He chain smokes tobacco and marijuana.

He refuses to brush his teeth with flouride toothpaste. It kind of messed up my teeth now.
I get surgery next week, to take out a big growth in my uterus (1 inch). It will hurt.
He is more upset that I do not want to have as much sex as normal.

He does not understand that it is hard to be sexually attracted to a man who calls you "spineless"
it is hard to be sexually attracted to a man who paralyzed your lower back for a week.
It is hard to be sexually attracted to a man who has hit my had so many times, the bumps kinda always hurt.
It is hard to be sexually attracted to a man who must bite my jugular during sex, and if I cry he gets very angry.
It is hard to be sexually attracted to a man who eats all my food, literally, and refuses to get a job.
It is hard to be sexually attracted to a man who does not bathe enough, so I have a 11 month painful yeast infection from sex.
It is hard to be sexually attracted to a man who needs tobacco/marijuana/drugs to be anywhere nice to me, in bouts.
It is hard to be sexually attracted to a man who is so irritable he hits me and blames me and it is all my fauly./
There but for ... go I
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby oasis » Jun 24, 2018 5:33 pm

I really want to find a way out.

This morning, I spent hours cleaning. I did it to make the home as nice and loving as I could.
I lit a candle. I did an in-depth cleaning. I gave him a morning bj, before he fell back asleep in my king size bed.
But he still criticized me within two minutes of him waking up again and also brought him coffee in bed.
He said I was using a word incorrectly (not really), he said my hypothesis that the dog didn't want to come in the house because there was several gallons of rotting water in my unused dishwasher (that I cleaned out perfectly this morning, to make him happy) could not at all be correct, and he said that i always complicate things.
Those three criticisms did not make me feel appreciated.
He says it is because he does not feel well. That is usually a code word for he will hit me if I "start" something (ask for an apology, tell him I am hurting, try to analyze why he is upset, annoying sure perhaps but not the "attacks" that he says they are, that allow him to justify body slamming my neck instead of taking a walk. He says that physically hurting me is the only way to "make it stop", and that if he takes a walk I will not stop "attacking" him by telling him about my feelings.

I went to the ER today for a CT scan. Should have asked for an MRI. Also got EKG cause obvi have chest tightness. At first they pretended to refuse care unless I told them who was hurting me, but then came around. I told them I had been hit in the head 20 times in the past six months, which is probably an understatement. No skull fracture, but several bumps are not going away for months so you know there is blood trapped under there. Was really regressing into an infant state the other night, biting my lower lip and having to keep my thumb tucked into my fist. The ER let me know that I can come back any time. They saw the big arm bruise. I contemplated telling them it was my fault.

I took a 45 minute shower before greeting him in bed this morning, because he said the back of my neck smells and yesterday, that my breath smelled bad like the stinking hitchhiker he always wants to pick up. I spent all that time cleaning myself, so he found other things to criticize me for. I guess this is what the end looks like.

I wonder if he criticizes me during sex. It only makes sense, since he criticizes me all the other times.

In summary: I pay the rent, I own and insure the only car, I drive and buy all the groceries, I pay for the internet and utilities and bought the big screen tv so he would be happy, I pay for almost all of his pot to subdue his psychopathy, I do all the cleaning (including his daily peeing on the floor outside of the toilet), I do most of the cooking, I light the candles for mood, I buy him clothes (we are the same age), I buy the game boards for entertainment, I put all the water in the water filter, I take out all the garbage, I open and close all the curtains, and in return I get cuddles by someone who steals all the blankets every night. I sleep with the equivalent of a human drop cloth because it is the only thing he will not steal in his sleep.

I am not allowed/insulted/heavily discouraged from the following: microwave, any skin lotion, any face lotion that is petroleum-based (or not, he doesn't like anything on my face), lipstick that makes me look like a "whore", blush that makes me look like a "whore", milk that is not organic (I must pay), etc. I am called a "rat" every day. I can never discuss him hitting me. Or biting me in the jugular during sex. I am "spineless" and "have no friends".

I guess this is torture. Not like he is even really sexually attracted to me. And it is my fault, because I complain and cry.
There but for ... go I
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby oasis » Jun 24, 2018 5:45 pm

Looked through these posts.
Realize his pattern is to hurt me bad.
Then when I should be healing, he directs all attention to his health.

He always has health problems suddenly after my skull is bleeding on the inside.
It's like I am not even a person. Like my neck cracking and head bumps from hearing hair get pulled out is illegitimate.

I am hardly human to him.
He set up a new facebook account for me for this nonprofit thing, and gave fb my phone number. I tried explaining to him that I had been trying for years to not do that. He said that messenger had access to my phone contents anyways. He still didn't see, or have any remorse. Boundaries.

He is going to get someone much prettier next.
He says I am over sensitive when he is in one of his homicidal moods.
There is blood in my ears from him hitting them, I can feel it.

I just want to yell at him. Tell him that he hurt me. Tell him that I just need him to be happy.
Tell him that all my life, no one ever hurt me so much.
And call him foul, and vulgar, and depraved, and slinky, and a user, who is going to do great in life because he just picks on people who are weak. And tell him that he is missing out on the joy of being a good person. That he will never get to experience that. Because he is too hollow. And that his emptiness is the worst punishment of all. And that his erections will always fade
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby oasis » Jun 25, 2018 4:48 am

Another future memory of chaos and confusion.
Tonight he is angry.
He didn't want to pay any attention to me right before dinner. Most uninterested.
The minute I start to do computer work, he will not stop touching me sexually. All over. Like I have to just allow it and cannot say anything while I try to work to earn our living.
Then I try to stick up for myself, and he says that I am just a problem. I want attention, then he gives it and I don't want it. He is punishing me now by touching me less and I feel completely shameful. My ex never touched me at all, at all at all, that was his neglect/abuse.

All I will soon have is memories.
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby oasis » Jun 25, 2018 3:44 pm

Another aspect of the torture is the injustice.

Last night at bedtime I asked to put his dog in the yard. He prohibited it.
Every time his dog is kept on my porch, he pees.

The dog peed all over the porch.
He threw a towel over one part, but did not "clean" it up.

If I want it to be cleaned so urine does not smell, I must do it myself.
But I am afraid to wake him up, while I move porch furniture around to clean up the pee.

It's like the groping me when I need to work, and waiting until I start working to grope me.
Not pet. But put his hands under my shirt every 30 seconds for hours.
He can tell I need to focus.

After he beat me on Wednesday, he has told me the following: I need to stop frowning, I need to "get my shit together", I must stand up straight but under no circumstances may I stick out my chest, I say the wrong words, etc.

We had been trying to have kids. I am absolutely certain I cannot carry a child to term.
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby oasis » Jun 29, 2018 2:45 am

I have tried everything, again today.
All the things my soul does to try to make things good, fail.
I gave so much of my body today. Really went the extra mile.

Then his dog peed in the house. I was afraid to ask him to clean it up.
I cleaned it up, and said that his dog needed to leave. It was like the 15th time he peed.
He said that if the dog left, he would leave too. J

Just out of nowhere. Less than an hour after the love-making that seemed so spiritual to me.
I tried to reason with him. I said the dog was ruining the house.
He said the house was ruined already. The house is so nice, less than 10 years old. It was degrading.

He said that my house wasn't livable. But he won't leave when I ask.
And he warned me not to say anything else. That means he will hit me next.
Went to the ER on Friday. The doctor felt all the bumps and I got a CT.

I just feel afraid, and alone, and really resigned.
I tried and tried and tried. Bought him a lamp today, and espresso, and ice cream yesterday.
Giving up when I have been trying down this road, I did my best.

I guess I am still a failure even if I did my best.
I guess I lose the dream and he will just pick another subject.
And all I get left with is these head bumps that won't go away.

No one has ever made me feel so stupid. And today is a "B" day.
He gets like homicidal, at least the rage brewing, whenever he is out of pot.
And I have to secure his pot, again, and it hasn't even been a week.

I hate this.
I just want someone to be nice.
It is such a head-trip, doing the lovemaking thing one minute and doing the "dont say anything or you will get beat" thing the next, for speaking up against his dog peeing in the house.

I don't want to feel like all I am is upsetting.
I don't want to feel like everything I do is terribly wrong.
I don't want to pay for a grown man's groceries for months, when he calls me a rat everyday.

I don't want to get blamed for everything, and have things I bring up always turned around on me.
I am tired of being made out to be the terrible criminal, when I am the one whose new normal is concussions and back paralysis.
I am tired of him refusing to think I am good enough to do the dishes once in a while.

I just want to be treated like I am worthy.
I want to be cuddled by someone who I do not live in fear of.
I want to be given a fucking birthday gift by a boyfriend who I see on my birthday, for once in my life.

I want to be with someone who is authentic but actually has responsibilities.
Who doesn't leave me alone like the last guy, or smother me only when I try to start work, then get mad.
I want something. I want him. I want him to not hit me, criticize me 200 times a day, have hatred towards me, say things to hurt me, refuse to clean up his dogs pee other than possibly throwing down a towel and cleaning up some but not all of the poop, clean up his pee on the floor he makes daily - today a foot from the toilet, do something to give, treat me better than the garbage that I think I am worth, never put gas in my car but drive it dangerously and deny it when there are cars on either side of him at the same time honking and yelling, not go out to smoke tobacco/weed 1-3 times in the middle of sex every time like it's crack, steal my blankets at night, eat all my food hardly before I get a chance to try it, not let me throw food away but not take out the compost, tell me repeatedly that I have no friends, tell me I am spineless, tell me i "deserve to be raped", get angry literally because I gave him a long tour of my dad's house, get sociopathic when he is out of pot (it's in the eyes), and basically just give me no reason to think he is a safe individual.

I don't want to be with anyone else. I just want him to treat me right. He would rather blame me and focus on how bad I am for leaving banana peels in the sink. He deleted all the numbers in my phone on text, because I had not programmed them. And he has only been physical for 6.5 months. My new normal is so degrading. I just want him to change. God why not.
There but for ... go I
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby oasis » Jul 04, 2018 2:58 pm

this I guess is me just helping myself.
i guess even this community is ... "what do you want me to say?" silent.

my personality is unraveling.
i start to shake when i am stressed.
yesterday i curled up in a fetal position in a towel in my car in the garage.

i went into a place where i could not speak, and only stare frozen at the tv, because he got upset
he got upset after i was asking him a question about his past, about his high school crush.
it is obvious that he has unresolved issues in that area, so he just got upset.

i also bought expensive ice cream which, of course, he rejected immediately.
i also bought supplements for myself, to pick myself off the ground.
so he said that he had been releasing too much cortisol, that he was over stressed, since he last beat me

the irony of that, of course, is that he is stressed after beating me.
not even a "hey how is your personality changes after your concussion doing? is your neck letting you hold your head up straight yet?"
entirely about his pain, how much it hurts him to beat me.

later in the evening he suggested that i can't stop telling him that i feel bad, that i am passive aggresive, and that i make him feel worse when i get sad. so that is a new rule, if i get sad then it makes him feel worse. he said he doesnt know "what the fuck's wrong with me".

he is also telling me several times a day that i smell like my teeth are rotting, i smell like i am depressed, etc.

here is "what the fuck's wrong" with me:
- I liked this guy for a really long time, after a wonderful fling years ago. i put up hope it would be nice.
- i have no worth, or value, or intelligence according to his subconscious, which hits me in my sleep (again last night).
- i am a nail and he is the hammer, and every day he has to tell me what i did wrong, with cutting truth.
- i wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding. chest pains constantly.
- i feel so far away from being happy, like i am in a tomb.
- i don't feel safe when he is nice, because i know he is just going to be mean again.
- i am embarrassed i had an anxiety attack last night.
There but for ... go I
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby Isa » Jul 04, 2018 3:44 pm

Hoping you're okay (relative to what that means in the situation). It sounds very very tough, indeed.
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby oasis » Jul 14, 2018 5:20 pm

I am really scared of him today.
I bought him pot yesterday. He is less likely to beat me if I buy him pot.
He says that he cannot "deal with anyone", and the pot helps.

I know I am in trouble because today he woke up with a big erection.
He doesn't clean his penis, so my vagina hurts too much with yeast to have sex.
Also, on Wednesday night, he needed to have sex for almost 4 hours (he stops to smoke tobacco in between).
So he is angry that I didn't satisfy him today. I can feel it.

I knew he was angry in my sleep - when he tried to have sex earlier in the morning and I kept sleeping.
So he pushed my head down a bit later. I gave him less than 5 minutes of oral sex.
I really tried. But he just looked at me frowning as if he knew I wasn't going to go the distance.
Every part of me hurt with just being bone tired.

After I stopped he left the bedroom quietly, like he was clearly dissatisfied.
Then I found out that a family friend, who was very hurtful to me but I loved still, died.
He would not hug me when I asked, but he gave me a pat on the head.

I made him a second cup of coffee and in doing so, I asked if I was okay.
In other words, I wanted to know if I had done anything wrong. I am always doing things wrong.
He said no with a obviously angry tone of voice.

I am hiding in my bedroom.
He is in the living room.
I have so much hurt. He will get angry if I put it on him.
It has to go somewhere.

I hurt for each time he laid a hand on me. I could not paralyze and head strike and body slam someone I love.

I hurt for my age. At a party someone asked if I was 20 years older than I am. I want to feel young and bright.

I hurt for my sexuality. My vagina hurts. All of his lovers are almost 10 years younger with me. They don't have sexual dysfunction like old me. I associate sex with being bitten in the jugular artery, because he does it so often. I know he feels rejected when I am not equipped for vaginal sex right now and I am too worn out to give a 45 minute bj. I am hurt that a 3-5 minute one is so inferior to his heightened sexual demands that it makes him angry. It is correct, I am rejecting him in a way but it's not because I don't want him. I want to be able to handle all of his sexual needs, and have 1-2 hours of nonstop sex every day regardless of how unclean his parts are. I want to be young enough to ward off his bad germs.

I hurt for my future.
There but for ... go I
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Re: He is going to hurt again - trigger sry

Postby oasis » Jul 15, 2018 5:12 am

I just have so much anger.
So today he goes all insular. The kind that will beat me if I say the wrong thing.
Surprise surprise, someone brought up his ex.

I want to confront him for being a liar.
This person who knew we were together, came to his house and left a love note.
Then he talked to her on the phone for a half hour.
While I was basically traumatized, because she knew we were together, and he was denying the legitimacy of my claim.

I want to tell him that I know he was talking to her.
That I am shocked that he took me a to a party where everyone knew they had been lovers in love for years, but me.
That it is sketchy as fuck that he told me all about his past, but was super secret about this one. And he tried to keep the love note. He has known her since she was 10, now she is an adult and I bet they are meant to be.

But on the other side of the moon, what will it get me. No matter what his response will be, it will be another reason to break up. He will get mad at me for asking. He will insult me. He may beat me. Or, best case scenario, which is so fucking unlikely it is funny, he will admit to talking to her. He hates to talk on the phone. But for her, she is special. It will all be another reason. I have enough reasons to leave. Maybe I just want a tipping point.

Talked with my mom today. I hate her. Talked with my dad also. He has never given me more than $20 in my adult life, despite being wealthy, and told me he just gave a lover a business "loan". I get it, men give money to women who they have sex with, but damn, it could have shown that he gave a shit. But he doesn't, and that's fine.

Don't really feel like sleeping. Just feel like yelling. And telling him how much I hate him for all that he has hurt me. I hate every man that has hurt me. I hate how old I feel I look. I hate how damaged I feel, and I hate how I cannot undo it. The secret lover bitch, she is nearly a decade younger. She knew we were serious, but still came to his house and left a long bullshit note about how much she loves him. I just can't deal with that. He is so obviously unhappy with me
There but for ... go I
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